The Chaos of Nobility

Waging war against the veil of perfectionism in motherhood

pexels-photo-459719.jpeg

So, my computer died… More accurately, it was murdered.  It died a slow and painful death.  I had a nice Mac laptop that I made the mistake of leaving on the floor next to my bed.  I know, I know.  When I picked it up, the entire screen was cracked, pieces of the computer falling off as I opened it.   There was a lot of emotion coursing through me at that point.  Im guessing you know which one reared it’s ugly head.  While calmly asking the children if they knew what happened, my 3 year old fessed up.  “I stepped on it Mama”.. Um, What??? “Yeah, I stepped on it and I jumped like this!”  And he proceeds to show me how high he can jump.  I don’t remember what happened after that.  That was about 6 months ago.  I’ve been nursing it ever since.  Being oh so careful when I open it, pieces of the screen falling and bouncing off the keyboard.  Eventually, there were little holes in the glass, and the screws fell out of the back, but I could still use it!  It still worked.  Until last week.  It finally gave up the ghost.  So, that’s why I haven’t been on in a few days.  I was a computer widow…

person-looking-searching-clean.jpg

I did about 10 loads of laundry yesterday.  Seriously.  I’m not even kidding.  My kids have the idea that if they even look at a piece of clothing, it’s dirty.  Yet, they can also wear the same clothes for 3 days in a row, take a shower, and then put those same clothes back on.  There is no order to this chaos.  Regularly, I find freshly “folded” clothes in the dirty clothes bin.  These poor clothes never even made it to the dresser.  They went straight from my couch (AKA the clean clothes pile) to the floor of their room.  And when it’s time to clean their room, they chunk them right back into the dirty clothes.  This is one of THE most stressful parts of my life.  I know that sounds crazy.  It’s just laundry.  No, it’s so much more to me.  Really, it brings out the U . G . L . Y .

 

I see these facebook memes that talk about how lots of laundry means lots of people to love.  Um, yeah, no.  I love my people.  I really do.  But I would probably LIKE them more if they only wore a few sets of clothes a day.  It would be like a dream come true.  I might actually be able to get other things done around the house, instead of washing clean clothes ALL THE TIME..  And then there’s the “folding”.  I have to work myself up to it.  Like “Eye of the Tiger” turned all the way up.  Honesty time… I don’t fold clothes for people under 18.  Josh’s clothes get folded, and so do mine.  The rest of them?  NOPE!!   I just throw them in a pile.  Each kid gets their own pile, unless you’re a twin, and mom can’t remember which kid wears what shirt.  Why would I spend precious time and sanity folding something that’s going to end up right back in the dirty clothes??  I mean, I kind of “wad” them.  Sometimes, there may even be a organized pile, but that’s it.  Maybe someday I’ll reach that level of momazingness… But not today…

 

Laundry is a thorn for me.   Really, it is.  I know this sounds silly and probably superficial, but it is my truth.  Want to know why?  Because the enemy uses that laundry.  He uses it in a silent but profound way to tangibly show me that I can’t measure up.  That I can’t do it all, be it all, and win at it all.  Every time I walk by that pile, I feel more and more like a failure.  I see it and I remind myself that I can’t measure up.  It feels like a stab straight thru my whole being.  And that leads to other “truths”.. Haven’t figured out what’s for dinner yet, still need to clean the bathroom, never handled that issue with a certain child’s behavior, etc.  And I hit my point.  My done point.  Where all I want to do is crawl in the bed and watch Forensic Files on Netflix.  Why even try?  I’m just going to fail.  I’ll never, ever be caught up.  And that means that I’m not good enough.  I’m not a good enough housekeeper, wife, mother, educator, and disciple.  I should be doing this instead of that.  I shouldn’t have spent so much time on this one thing, then I could have finished the thing I started two hours ago.  Ugh… Makes my head hurt just thinking about it.  And it’s not like once you get it done, that’s it.  Nope!!  You get to start all over in the morning.  Those clothes will be right there to greet you when you first wake up.  First. thing..  It’s not the laundry monster, it’s the laundry ENEMY.

IMG_3358

 

So now I’m in the bed, wallowing in self-pity.  Believing “truths” that are absolute lies.  Mentally and emotionally beating myself up for not attaining some standard that I’ve set for myself.  Thinking that I should have been a forensic scientist.  I would have been good at that.  But it’s too late now.  Another lie.  They just keep coming.  I’m not comfortable here, but it’s easy to be here.  Does that make sense?  It’s so much easier to agree with myself and my failures, than it is to fight the good fight.  Speaking the real truth to myself is much harder.  Reaching into my soul, and pulling out the truth of who I am in Christ Jesus is much harder for me.  Because I can believe myself a failure.  It’s next to impossible to see myself as righteous, the way God sees me.  But I am a Christ follower.  And the Holy Spirit dwells in me.  And in the midst of my wallowing and self destruction, I feel Him pulling.  Guiding me away from my sinful mindset, into the light of the truth of the gospel.  The REAL reality.  I am HIS.  I am REDEEMED.  And I am LOVED.  Not because of what I can or can’t do, but because of what HE has done IN ME.  Because of the sanctifying work He continues to do in me.

 

OK.  Maybe I can do this.  Not all of it, and not all right now.  But some of it.  And I’m not a failure because my laundry has swallowed my couch.  I’m not a failure because we’re having cereal for dinner again.. I’m not a failure because my kid didn’t wear socks (or underwear) to school again today.  I am not a failure.  I am a work in progress.  And I will always be, this side of eternity.   An older, more experienced nurse once told me that nursing is a 24 hour job.  That’s why we staff around the clock.  It can’t be done all at once, by one person.  And if you try, you’ll just exhaust yourself.  And feel like a failure.  I remind myself of this when I things get rough and I feel like I’m living a real life Groundhog day.   This is an around the clock gig.  No one can do it all, all the time.

 

So hang in there Mamas!  Don’t let the enemy convince you that you are not enough.  Don’t listen to the lies of the world, comparing you to society’s view of perfection.  Model yourself after the One who IS perfect.  The One who CAN do it all.  The One who is making you more like Him.  Even in the mundane.  Even in the laundry…

josh and kim pic

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: